Elvis SmegMax

"Not a literal library, but you can still get drunk as if it were."

"If you wear Isaac Hayes' gold medallions you will acquire all of his powers."

"Vagina candles harvested from real wax women."

"Look for the LEGO skrimshaw -- carved from real whale bone!"

"Take care when taking photographs: spirit orbs of resident ghosts abound. In particular, look out for the Ejaculating Horseman and the Grad Student that Time Forgot."